Dudley's Girlfriend
by GetHomeToNam
Summary: When Dudley gets a girlfriend, Harry is... very shocked. He also learns how to play the cello.
1. chapter 1

Hi :) This is a new little idea, and I hope you like it.

I am not JKRowling, and I dont own Harry Potter.

Please RR, it makes a 16 year old girl from a small village near London smile.

"I've got a girlfriend"

The squealing that coursed through number 4 privet drive that moment was deafening. Petunia Dursley threw her bony hands in the air and threw them around her treasured son. His flabby face was more smug than anything Harry Potter had seen in his 16 year life. He was surprised, though. Whilst Vernon Dursley was thumping his enormous son on the back, Harry was sceptical. How on EARTH did Dudley get himself a girlfriend. Harry had barely kissed a girl, and that was... a disaster. So wet, and not in a good way. But there Dudley was, with a girl.

'Who would even..?', Harry thought. Maybe she was really, REALLY desperate.

"So, when will we meet this young lass? And what's her name?'', Vernon asked.

"She's called Iris. And she's coming round this afternoon."

Another piercing shriek ensued, and off Petunia went to the local Co-op, muttering something about dinner and Diddykins. Those two often went together. Vernon clapped his smirking son on the shoulder once more, and they went into the kitchen together, for a 'well deserved snack'.

Harry was left in the hall feeling shellshocked. After almost a minute of standing there, staring at one of the massive canvases of Dudley's face, he shook his head and ran up the stairs.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 _Hi Harry,_

 _Hope you're having a nice Summer, I'm in Greece! It was such a massive surprise getting home, and being told to pack again straight away. I'm in Crete, which is a Greek island. Greece is so amazing, and its really interesting. Loads of very famous muggle philosophers were Greek, and it is where the muggle Olympic Games were founded, in 776 BC, although they were very different back then. But that's so much older than Hogwarts itself!_

 _Unfortunately, I haven't been able to start my summer homework yet. Mum didn't let me bring it! She said, 'You have to relax, Hermione, I cannot be splashing out on the biggest holiday yet, with you just studying through it.' Fair enough, and it has been so lovely just sunbathing and swimming and eating my body weight in ice cream. We're going to be away for another month. Its a very long holiday, but i think my parents want to get away from England for a while, what with everything going on. We're at a beautiful hotel resort at the moment, but in a few weeks we're going to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple of weeks, in her holiday home in Kos, which is another Greek Island._

 _I hope your summer is going well, and I hope to hear back soon. It will probably take quite a long time for my Owl to get to you (her name is Olympia, my parents bought her for me when we got here from a magical market in Heraklion) so she might need a rest and some food, I'm not sure._

 _Anyway, the beach is calling me. Nope, just my dad. But I've got to go now, so I hope you are staying safe, and that your summer is bearable._

 _Hermione xxx_

Harry sighed. Well, at least someone was having a good summer. There was nothing from Ron, and nothing from Sirius.

Sirius.

Of course there was nothing from Sirius. He was dead. Harry leaned back on his bed and squeezed his eyes shut. He lay there fro a few long moments, trying not to think about his late godfather, and the veil, and that whole night.

He'd tried contacting Remus, but he had not replied. Harry guessed he was angry with him, and it was his fault. Stop thinking, he told himself.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

"Boy!" His Aunt's shrill voice screeched from downstairs about half an hour later. "Come down and clean the entire house for Dudley's girlfriend."

Without an ounce of grace, Harry pushed himself up off the bed and slumped downstairs. In the hallway he stared at all the pictures of Dudley. They seemed to be mocking him. Shaking his head, he went to the cupboard with the cleaning supplies and begrudgingly started in the kitchen. Whilst doing so, he sneaked a peak in the bags that Petunia was unloading. Woah. There was so much food, it could have fed the whole of Gryffindor house for a week. And it seemed most of it was being prepared for this lunch. There was ham, rolls, crisps, nuts, a ridiculous selection of sandwich fillings, wraps, cheese, bacon, and so much more.

"Get out of the way you stupid boy", Petunia was flapping a pack of Pork Pies at him, so Harry ducked and started to work in the dining room.

A/N : so there we go, my first chapter. Sorry it's a little short, I'll try to make the next ones longer :)


	2. Chapter 2

Second chapter. Unsurprisingly. Was disappointed when I woke up and remembered JKRowling. Ah well. I've also just uploaded another story, about Dudley also going to Hogwarts. And Harry is pretty abused ITS ALL VERY JOLLY.

Okay I've actually worked out a bit of the plot to this, and I assure you it gets more interesting. Iris isn't a Mary Sue or whatever that expression is. Sorry as well I'm trying to do longer chapters but the ending just comes naturally y'know?

CHAPTER 2

"She's here!" Petunia screeched.

Harry was just finishing cleaning the bathroom when he heard the doorbell go. The door opened, and Harry was shocked, to say the least. She was a petite girl, with curly dark blonde hair down to below her shoulders. Her eyes were hidden by large square glasses, but were a soft brown. She was pretty, but not particularly striking. But the expression on her face was what intrigued Harry. She was biting her lips, and she looked, not scared, but apprehensive. Thinking about it, that wouldn't be a surprise. If Harry had only known Dudley, meeting his family would scare him. Dudley came down the stairs, less like thunder than usually.

"Hey" he started.

"Hi"

"Um, this is my mum, Mum this is Iris"

"Such a pleasure to meet you my darling, call me Petunia" Petunia simpered. Iris smiled and nodded in reply. Harry was enjoying this, so entered the hallway from where he had been hiding in the bathroom.

"Hello, you must be Iris, I'm Harry, Big D's cousin" he stuck out his hand, to which Iris smiled and took. Dudley looked positively murderous, from the reference to last summers' nickname, or for talking to his girlfriend, Harry didn't know, but it was worth it.

"Lunch will be ready in about 5 minutes. I'll call you."

Dudley and Iris went into the living room. Harry tried to follow, but was kicked in the shins by Dudley. He went up into his room. He should start that reply to Hermione.

 _Hey Hermione,_

 _You're so lucky! I can't believe you're in Greece, that's so cool. You will be so tanned when you get back I'm jealous. I wish it was a bit warmer here, but English weather..._

 _Massive news: Dudley has a Girlfriend! I couldn't believe it when he said. I've only just met her, and she actually seems okay, but not the type I would guess he would like at all. I feel like I've seen her before but I don't remember her face, ugh do you get what I mean?_

 _Have you heard from Ron? I've sent him a couple of letters but I've not had anything back. He seemed kinda... off, at the end of last term._

 _I've got to go now, about to have lunch._

 _It's a bloody massive lunch._

 _Harry_

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Surprisingly, Harry was called down to lunch instead of being made to wait until dinner or, more commonly, breakfast the next day. The feast on the table made Hogwarts' welcoming feast pale in comparison.

"Woah, Mrs Dursley, how many people are coming?" Iris smirked from the corner. The shrieking, forced laughter that erupted from Petunia after a good few seconds pause made Harry snort. And then cringe. There was an awkward silence following, but was soon broken by the Dursley patriarch shovelling down his food.

"So, Iris, how did you and Dudders meet?"

"Mum..." Dudley did NOT appreciate his toddler nickname used again in front of Iris. Harry snickered. This was too amusing.

"Oh well, I moved here recently, -"

"Grant's daughter?"

"Uh, n- stepdaughter", Petunia's eyes widened with the promise of juicy gossip to come, "And my neighbour-"

"The Stevenson's? Or the Merle family?" Harry had to acknowledge his aunt's thorough expertise of the neighbourhood.

"Anna, so the Merle family." Iris seemed vaguely amused by Petunia's antics. "Anyway, she was having a party, and I uh, met Dudley there. It was great fun, and, well, the rest is history." She gave Dudley a soft smile, and most surprisingly, he returned the gesture. The rest of the lunch was spent in amendable chatter, Harry observing incredulously. It was like someone swapped his family with a... normal one. Yes Uncle Vernon still ate more than double Harry's weight, Petunia put her foot in it with subtle, but nosy questions, but Dudley, well he acted like a gentleman. It did not come naturally, and he kept glancing longingly at the crisps, but as the strange meal continued, he listened more to Iris, and continued the chatty (yet ever so slightly strained) banter throughout. Iris herself was quietly confident, sneaking in the occasional sarcastic comment. Harry learned she had been living in Bali since the age of 11, before living in America, then before that, Southern Ireland. The few stories she told were honestly fascinating, and Harry found a small bird of jealousy flutter up inside him.

"My birth father disappeared as soon as mum told him she was pregnant, apparently. We lived by ourselves until she met Grant, in America. They had Archie and Tegan, little terrors I tell you. And that's it, I think." That timed perfectly with Petunia's irritating clock chiming four o clock. "Oh, damnit, I was supposed to be home by four. We're going swimming. To be honest we are all missing the beaches in Bali, and I suppose the North Surrey leisure centre is the next best thing! I'd be off, thank you so very much for the... magnificent spread and I hope you have a lovely day. Bye Dudley," she finished with a small smile. Petunia made a funny face, hinting for him to lead her to the door, which took a while to register with the still rather slow boy. But he did, and they soon disappeared round the corner to the entrance. A few seconds followed, then the sound of the front door opening, then slamming shut. Dudley returned, and Harry graced himself for the following squeal.


	3. Chapter 3

It's my Mum's birthday today. My mum is not called Anne Volant Rowling (yeah that's JK's mum)

R&R if you want. You don't have to. ;)

CHAPTER 3

Despite the sudden personality swaps the Dursleys had when Iris was there, they still were prat's towards Harry, making him clean the whole house every day, sorting out what had become a completely decrepit garden. He would have enjoyed it, if not for the stupidly erratic British weather. Either scorching hot, causing cracked, dry soil, or torrential rain and gale force wind drowning out his handiwork. And he hardly saw the enigma that was Dudley's relationship. They were usually in the house, but upstairs, with the door shut. Aunt Petunia had chastised him after the first time, but Dudley completely ignored her for a whole day until she crumbled and baked him a cake.

Still no reply from Ron, though. He had jumped in shock one night, after waking from a particularly haunting nightmare where Sirius was scratching up the walls, his body emaciated and so pale it glowed. He woke, shaking and sweating, but the scratching continued. Paralysed in fear, he soon dared to look and saw it was only Hedwig, carrying a letter on muggle notepaper addressed to him in Hermione's neat script.

 _Harry,_

 _I haven't had a letter from Ron either. But Luna wrote to me. She lives near them at Ottery St Catchpole, and said she had been in the local shop, checking for tomatoes not infested with Hintycups (apparently) and Ron and his mother walked in. She overheated them talking about you, Harry, and, well, I don't know how to say this, but he seemed really angry with you. Said it was your fault, the things at the ministry._

 _Harry, you can't listen to what he says. That day was confusing and terrible, but it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault other that Bellatrix. And Voldemort._

 _We're going to Kos soon. Oh I wish you could come here, it's so beautiful and peaceful. I made a friend in the hotel. She's called Greta and she's from Berlin. She's been teaching me German, but her English is already perfect so I can't really teach her that. She's so clever though, and she told me she's going to be an astronau, which is German for astronaut. She's so funny, and her parents are too, though they do drink an awful lot of beer! She invited me round for 'Oktoberfest', but I don't think I will be able to go. I want to shop in Berlin at Christmas, though, apparently it's magnificent._

 _Sorry, rambled there a bit._

 _Anyway, Iris sounds, nice? What is she really like? The way you described Dudley I can't believe she had a girlfriend, at least one as nice as she seems._

 _Are you doing your summer homework? We will get our OWLs tomorrow I think and then we will be working for our NEWTs. It's about to get a whole lot more intense. Yay. (Stop rolling your eyes, I can practically feel it)_

 _Stay safe Harry, I know it sounds boring but He really is almost definitely probably watching your house, so to cite Professor Moody, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!_

 _Okay, bye xxx_

Ron... thought it was Harry's fault? An overwhelming surge of frustration rose in him, until something clicked. It _was_ his fault. Ron was right. If he had practiced occlumency, if he had not been so _stupid,_ Sirius would still be alive. He shuddered. The image of Sirius from the nightmare had branded itself into Harry's mind. He looked at the clock ticking on the table. Half past four and the hand moved quietly on. Tick, tick, tick. Harry found himself staring at the clock, unmoving, unthinking. Hedwig hooted from the corner, tossing Harry out of his reverie. Sighing, he picked up his potions text from the side of his bed. No point trying to sleep now.

 _The effects of Sunblaum vary in different states. As a intact solid, it causes a rash to form on the eyes of frogs, which can then be used in the weakening potion. When dissolved in Phoenix tears, however, it gives the drinker the ability to read minds for twenty four hours. Unlike Legillimency, a mind art, it can only read the immediate thoughts of people in a close proximity. Fun fact: muggles refer to this as telepathy, but are not able to do it._

OoOoOoOoOoOo

The following morning, Harry had a letter arrive. Two, actually. His school letter and another one: his OWL results. After ducking his head to around the resulting angry whack from his uncle, for "Those bloody birds!", he rushed to his room. With shaking hands, he opened the letter.

 _Dear Mr Harry J Potter_

 _Congratulations on completing the Ordinary Wizarding Levels. The following are your results. At the return of Hogwarts, you will attend a meeting where future job opportunities regarding your results will be discussed. Thank you._

 _Herbology O_

 _Potions O_

 _Defence against the Dark Arts O_

 _Astronomy E_

 _Transfiguration E_

 _Divination D_

 _Care of Magical Creatures A_

 _Charms E_

 _History of magic T_

Oh. Well that was unexpected. An O in potions? And herbology? But an E in transfiguration. He can't be an Auror. The required entry level was an O, and McGonnogall had been extremely strict about that. A strange feeling was filling Harry. Now he realised he couldn't be an Auror, he wondered how much he wanted to be one in the first place. He hated all the chasing bad wizards, and if he ever did manage to defeat Voldemort and stay living, he would want to retreat from the world of danger and curses forever. So what _would_ he like to be? _A stay at home Dad_ , he thought wryly. How marvellous would that be. _Or a dog breeder_. Nice. Harry chuckled to himself, until he saw his Care of Magical Creatures score again. An A; Hagrid would be upset. Harry placed his letters on the bed and started penning his reply to Hermione.


	4. Chapter 4

Me: *drinks veritisium*

Person: Are you J.K. Rowling?

Me: Nope.

Person: Cool.

The final weeks of the summer passed in much the same fashion. Harry cleaned, Dudley snogged Iris, Petunia spied on the neighbours, and Vernon ate lots of food. Harry managed to get the Knight bus to Diagon Alley a few days before September 1st. After buying the necessary equipment, and checking his list for a final time,he noticed an additional slip of paper in the envelope his results came in.

 _Mr Potter,_

 _NEWT students are given the option to study up to two of any of the following creative studies. Although it is not compulsory, these studies are recommended as they may provide relaxation and a break from intense studying in the following two years. In completing the courses, an exhibition will be presented for your family and friends._

 _The optional studies are:_

 _Illustration and Comic studies_

 _Magical Portraits_

 _Textiles_

 _Music_

 _Drama in the Theatre_

 _Televised Picture (especially recommended for Muggle Studies students, but not exclusive)_

 _Photography_

 _Upon choosing your courses, go to_ 'Arthur's Arts' _in Diagon Alley and state your choices. Arthur will show you the necessary items._

 _Good luck for the oncoming year!_

 _Professor McGonogall_

Okay. This looked cool. Harry already knew he wanted to try 'Televised Picture', he'd always liked sneaking a glimpse at the television when doing the washing up, or hoovering. What else... Harry knew he was awful at drawing, he liked doodling on his notes in lessons, but they always ended up looking a scribbled mess. He didn't really know what textiles was, but perhaps music? He imagined himself as the newest member of the Weird Sisters, and instantly made up his mind, grinning stupidly. That sounded fun.

Arthur's Arts was a large, jumbled shop, painted a brilliant blue on the outside, and seemed bigger inside than it did on the outside. Having seen 'Doctor Who' a couple of times, he smiled at the probably unintentional. Inside it was packed with paints, easels, funny looking musical instruments and strange Muggle looking contraptions. A fourty-something man with laughing eyes and extravagant, yet stylish, robes, was showing an instrument to a girl Harry vaguely recognised and what was likely her grandmother. A rich but haunting melody filled the shop, and Harry sat back and listened to the beautiful music. It was almost pulling him into a trance. It stopped suddenly, and Harry saw the girl grin and look at her grandmother, who nodded in silent reply.

"Well thank you Miss Davis, pleasure doing business with you. You will require these books, and I recommend this transposing quill. If you ever choose to compose, this quill will record your music in note form. The bassoon is a beautiful instrument, but like all instruments, avoid placing any charms on them, as it disrupts the resignation in the instrument. Good day."

At this point, the girl and the old lady turned out of the shop, not noticing Harry who was absently admiring the art on the walls.

"Well, my boy, what may I do for you today?" The man's baritone voice came from behind him, and Harry quickly turned.

"Hi, I'm starting my NEWTS this year, and I, well, I chose televised picture and music, can you help me?"

"Of course, come right this way sir."

He led Harry into a corner with the Muggle contraptions. All the items were in different sets, and he started, "Right, so do you know yet if you want to act, film, design or produce? There are many, more specific elements to this subject, but those will be developed next year,"

Harry thought a second. "I honestly don't really know yet, but probably not design as not very good at that sort of thing."

"Not to worry, my boy, most people just get the starter kit, which has everything you will need for the first term. Here is an order form, and if you require anything more specialised, owl me and I will send it over to you. Now, are you doing an additional subject?"

When Harry told him he was doing music, he brought him over to the part of the shop that held the instruments. Many he didn't recognise, but they were all beautifully intricate and detailed in their own right. He was drawn to two, like Arthur had suggested, and stopped in front of a gorgeous mahogany and ivory piano, and something that looked like a big violin.

"The Cello, an incredible versatile instrument, it can be often stuck playing the accompaniment, but the few concertos where it hold the solos are considered to be the best, by some. The school already has a piano, but you may wish to purchase a cello, as you are slightly more, in tune with it, if you pardon the pun. Would you like a go?"

Harry nodded, after a moment of hesitation. He had no idea how to hold the thing, but Arthur instructed him how. The bow felt as comfortable in his hand as his own wand, and he dragged it across the strings. A particularly screechy and dissonant noise bounced around the walls. Arthur didn't seem perturbed, and simply told him that no one sounded good the first time on an instrument. He took the cello, and with an expert hand, he performed a short musical solo, which sounded ethereal and magical. Harry looked on in wonder, and closed his eyes to the rhythmic movement.

After buying all the required equipment, he left the shop, with his cello strapped to his back in its black case. He had been drawn to this one cello, which was made of a glossy black wood, unlike all the other reddish-brown ones, and had brass detailing.

He booked a room at the Leaky Cauldron, he had all his stuff, and did not want to return to the Dursleys. Having already completed his summer work, he set to practicing his new instrument, with frequent breaks for ice cream. He still sounded horrific, but had learnt a few notes by looking through the books from that brilliant blue shop.

Soon it was the last night of August, and Harry packed his trunk with his new books and clothes. He had grown 3 inches in the past couple of months, and though it wasn't that dramatic a change, Harry bought some new robes and also some Muggle clothes, after a venture out to Oxford Street. He had found a skater shop, and intrigued, he went inside. A proud owner of a skateboard led the shop that day. After practicing and falling on his bum a few times, Harry decided he would wait until he was at Hogwarts and could do a cushioning charm before he practiced any more. He was still pissed at Ron, but had missed the Weasley family in the ally whilst he was practicing. He had seen Malfoy though, his platinum hair as blinding and impossibly neat as ever, entering Arthur's Arts, and leaving with a big box. Intriguing.

Setting his alarm for 9 am, Harry snuggles down into the soft sheets, and drifted off.

R&R :)


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

This chapter is kind of stupid, but it just... felt right. I don't own ANYTHING.

The Hogwarts Express, like always, was set to leave at 11. Harry passed the entrance to platform 9 and 3/4 at 10:58. It was a fairly tight squeeze. But his night had been fairly hellish once more. Nightmares of Sirius plagued his mind. He was now in an awful mix of sad about his death, but terrified to see his face. Sirius would reach out to him, attempting to claw his face. Remaining 'Wanted' signs littered the station platform, still, mocking his dreams. The wild and feral look seriously creeped him out, yet as he was thinking this, he felt awful. _Sirius was your godfather. He loved you._ But the image still frightened him.

Harry managed to tunnel through the congregating parents with Hedwig's cage, his trunk, and his cello on his back, before leaping onto the train just before it started moving, and the whistle blew. He was about to make his way to their usual compartment, but, well, _Ron._ He looked for Hermione until remembering she would be in the Prefect compartment. Eventually he came across a compartment near the middle of the train, which was blissfully empty. He sat for a while, watching London pass by. These train journeys were _long_. He started to read one of his text books but they were pretty boring, and his eyes kept drifting across the same sentence.

 _When infused with snail slime it creates a substance that can stop shoes form getting wet... When infused with snail slime it creates a substance that can stop shoes from getting wet... When infused with snail slime it creates a substance that can-_

"Potter."

Malfoy scrawling voice jogged Harry out of his stupor, his fist, which was used to prop up his face, had left an imprint on his cheek.

 _Great._

"Hullo Malfoy."

"Where's your precious Weasel and Mudblood friends? Or have they finally realised they cannot stand the sight of your ugly mug, hmm?"

Harry gave him what he hoped was a scathing look, and spelled the door shut. He heard a squeaky yelp and was amused to see Malfoy clutching his now pink fingers through the little window in the door. Smirking, he turned round, his eyes catching the black case of his cello. He still wasn't anywhere near competent, but after practicing pretty much constantly over the past few days, he was now able to produce a non-horrific noise, and had even ventured to try playing pizzicato, which was where he plucked the strings rather than using a bow.

If he had been more focused on the window, leading into the train corridor, he would have spotted a very familiar face.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Hermione never came into the compartment, but Harry found her just before the first years entered the hall, and she was apologising profusely.

"Ah Harry, I'm so sorry, there was an incident with these third year Griffindors, they had a fight and I had to supervise this girl for the whole journey. She was a right brat as well, but don't tell anyone I said that. She's with Professor McGonogall now, but I wasn't allowed to let her out of my sight."

Hermione was a light brown colour, and her hair had gone a few shades lighter. She had put on a bit of weight over the summer, and was pleasantly curvy. Quite a few boys, and some girls, had taken a double stop as she walked past. Harry, of course, was completely oblivious to the changes in his friend, and the looks she was getting. Even Malfoy didn't look quite so hostile as he gave her his usual, oh so pleasant, greeting. He gave Harry an extra evil glare though, and subconsciously rubbed his pinkie.

Ron sat with Seamus, and didn't even look at Harry. Dean and Neville sat next to Harry and Hermione, and they started chatting about the Arts studies. Neville was just taking Drama, Dean, who seemed particularly pleased with the extra studies, was taking Illustration and Portrait studies, and Hermione was taking Music, playing the flute, and Drama. Apparently she already knew how to play the flute from having lessons as a child, but wanted to improve her skills. Harry ignored the doors opening when the first years piled in, but after hearing lots of muttering, he turned.

What he did NOT expect, was Iris, who, although small, was walking glaringly out of place with all the first years.

"Welcome, new students. Before the first years get sorted, the hat will perform a song, and then our new 6th year student, Iris Blake, will be sorted.

A tense anticipation held the great hall, and the dirty, ripped hat quivered, and then burst into song.

"I've done this job for centuries

On every student's head I've sat

Of thoughts I take inventories

For I'm the famous Sorting Hat.

Are you afraid of what you'll hear?

Afraid I'll speak the name you fear?

Not Slytherin! Not Gryffindor!

Not Hufflepuff! Not Ravenclaw!

Don't worry, child, I know my job,

You'll learn to laugh, if first you sob.

I've sorted high, I've sorted low,

I've done the job through thick and thin

So put me on and you will know

Which house you should be in..."

"Blake, Iris"

She padded up the steps, and sat on the stool, the hat fitting rather badly over her slightly frizzy hair. A few moments, then:

"GRYFFINDOR"

They cheered, excluding Harry, who was still slightly in shock. Hermione beckoned the lost looking girl, and she sat between Harry and Dean, not noticing who it was until he turned round.

"Wait, what?" You're a wizard?" Her eyes were big and incredulous behind her glasses, and Harry's were much the same. It was rather comical, actually.

"I'm thinking the same thing? Why did you not go to Hogwarts before?"

"I didn't live in England until this summer."

"So?"

Hermione interjected irritably. "Harry are you a complete idiot, there are other magic schools than Hogwarts. Do you not even remember he triwizard tournament?"

A pause.

"Oh yeah."

"Iris... I assume you are the famous girlfriend of Dudley Dursley? Harry was writing to me about you."

Iris turned to Harry, a small smirk on her face. "Oh really?"

Harry looked at the two girls, giggling together and already on the way to becoming friends. He turned to Neville, who gave a slight shrug and a look that said 'I'm not really sure what's going on'.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

That evening found Harry, Hermione, Neville, Iris and Dean sitting in the prime position by the fire. Seamus and Ron had gone down to the kitchens, searching for some more food. They were discussing Lupin's return to the castle as DADA Professor. A petition at the end of the summer, by all students 4th year and up, even most Slytherin students, had asked for his return, as the only competent teacher of the subject in the past few years. Not even Lucius Malfoy could ignore this petition, and he had returned, much to the joy of Harry and many other students. The fire was warm and relaxing against Harry's face, charmed not to burn anyone. The melodic pattern of conversation and general hubub was incredibly soothing to his slightly frayed nerves, and he felt himself relax. That is, until Ron and Seamus's return brought shouting and raucous laughter about some poor elf, and Harry and his new, revised group decided to turn in for the night.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

The new subject choices brought many conversations over the following week back to school, with 6th years comparing and contrasting their options. Most of Harry's year chose to do at least one artistic subject, the most popular being drama. Apparently, the first art lesson of the year was focused on using art as an outlet, and Malfoy had come to Harry after the lesson showing him a drawing he had done of Harry.

"Potter. Hey, hey Potter." He drawled.

"What Malfoy?" Harry was sitting having a go on someone's guitar from music class.

"I drew a picture of you," in his hand was a folded up bit of paper. Harry took it, and when he opened it he wondered what on Earth had got into his enemy.

"You see what's happening to you in it? It's you, getting hit in the head with a quaffle." Goyle here gave a stupid guffaw.

"Don't you feel foolish?", he smirked, "look, that's me, that one," he pointed to a crayon rendition of himself, "and I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's, it's rather good. Actually, it's quite good. Probably the best I've ever done. Actually... can I have that back? Wait. No. I'm taking it!"

He snatched the flimsy sheet from a bemused Harry, and ended up dropping it in the process.

"What do you think of that, Potter? Huh? I've stolen your favourite drawing. What do you think of this?" With that he teared the thing in half. Immediately he looked shocked.

"No! Goyle, paste it!" He shoved the offending item into the brutes hands.

"Now look what you've done, Potter. You just wait till my father hears about this." He thought for a while. "He'll say, 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human being.' And then, and then, he will pull down my nappy, and scold me for the mess I've left in it, and spank my checks till they are red as cherries." With this he looked down.

"That really sucks Malfoy, but I just can't believe you still wear a nappy." All the Gryffindor laughed.

"All respectable wizards do. Ho-how do you expect me to use a potty I could hall into that monstrosity." A quick glance from Neville told Harry that his words were not entirely untrue. "At least I can draw." He finished, turning away with a smug smile.

"You know what, Malfoy, leave Harry alone, I mean, it's not like that drawing was that good."

A silence filled the courtyard, many other people being drawn into this strange discussion. Malfoy swerved round, almost falling over in his incredulity.

"Not... That... Good? Let's see you draw something better you little mud blood."

"Hey!" Shouted Ron, who was listening into their conversation like many others, then he remembered they weren't talking, and continued, "Yeah, Herman!" He remembered the nickname Hermione hated. "Let's see you draw something right now, in front of everyone."

Everyone seemed to start shouting at once. Harry, already incredibly amused by the afternoon's events, shouted at everyone.

"Guys, guys... GUYS... stop it, this is no way to go about it. He repositioned the guitar, and strummed random chords he didn't know how to play. "Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw. She only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a 'how to draw' book." He sang, the other people in the courtyard quickly picking up the juvenile tune. Malfoy danced in glee, and Iris was looking in incredulity and shock. _I never should have come here._ As they chanted, Lupin and Snape charged in, considering the altercation.

"What the hell is going on here?" Lupin asked. "Stop dancing. Stop." Looking at Hermione, who seems as if she didn't know weather to laugh or cry, he continued, "Hey, this song isn't even that funny."

Ron, who was overly enthusiastic now, shouted, "yeah? Let's see you sing something right now. In front of everyone."

Amidst the sounds of encouragement, Harry changed the lyrics to " Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't sing, Lupin cannot sing. He only reads books and he cannot sing, even if he's reading a 'how to sing' book!"

Even Snape was getting into it. Not that anyone noticed. Lupin, meanwhile. Was trying to prove his singing talents, but they were falling on deaf ears. So he switched the attention back to Hermione, and they all continued their original song.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Later that evening, after Hermione had demanded Harry apologise, she sat up in bed, drawing on the back of a notebook. It was supposed to be a person, but it went wrong halfway through and ended up looking more like a penguin. Iris came in from the adjoining bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Hermione, but it's true. You can't draw."

I don't own AVPS


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